A test for the heart

June 2nd, 2009

Beatriz Arlen Vences Olivares. By the time you hold this letter in your own hands, I will have made my decision. As you know, our relationship has been vey very rocky. Both my uncontrollable tongue and your temper have hindered our peace immensely. You have a problem with the way I at times speak before I think. That... I can accept as my problem, and my sister has also agreed with what you said on that behalf, but a wicked temper helps in no way whatsoever. I apologize if this letter enfuriates and/or offends you but it is best that you know the truth. I will hope this letter does the contrary in that it will let you realize that I indeed am doing this because I love you.

There comes a time in a relationship when both people must decide whether what they have is healthy. They should also respect and hold true to what they portray. If two people act in accordance to God, though not every step will shine and shimmer, it will become what is best. If we come across a fork in the road, will we take the easiest route with desires and momentary satisfactions hanging off of every tree branch? Or will we follow that which we both know will give us the best gift, the ultimate love story at the end of it? Are we willing to wait for that second marshmallow? Our relationship has not been the most wholesome. I admit that I have not tried my best at steering us through the right river, but I'm becoming a man. No longer am I gonna be 'the nice guy.' By growing up, I will know where, what, and how to deal with many situations.

Starting tomorrow June 3rd, 2009 I will put us through the ultimate test. For forty days I will do the most I possibly can to become the man that I should be. I will think before I speak. I will bite my tongue when that which desires to roll off of it has no relevance and will not help the situation. However, I will speak with honesty. I will not hold back in fear that what I say offends you for truth is more important than emotion. I'm not going to be the unbelievably nicest guy in the world anymore, for that is not truly being a man. A nice guy is taken advantage of, a man is respected. I will be assertive. I will still do random acts of kindness though because a good man is still a gentleman. Over time, that which is yours I'll return, and that which is mine I will take back. Whether you believe it or not, as I'm writing you this letter, we are arguing via text messages. For that I know that this must be done. For these forty days, I will not touch you in any way inappropriately. I will not tempt you and if you tempt me, I will turn away. I will remind you that it is not our place to do what we do. I will pray every day asking God to guide us both. For if it is his will for us to stay together, he will change us for the better. If not then he will allow us to grow when the time is correct... in our own terms. As for you, though I hate expectations, I do hope and expect that your temper will dimish. Arguing all the time and knowing that something always bothers you is hurting me greatly in spirit. No matter how great a pillar might be, it will fall given enough damage. Many times we have argued in utter stupidity, and we have allowed them to outrageous and unnecessary heights.

Now, I have always been a fan of trust. It is easy for me to trust new people. If that makes me naive then naive I will be. And a relationship without it is like a sailboat with no sail, drifting ever so violently into a hurricane. Both you and I know that I do not fully trust you. I hope these forty days will serve as a foundation in my trust for you. If we do not overcome this, then it will be used as a sure sign that we do not belong together.

I honestly do not understand you Beatriz. We had spoken and agreed that a good way to relieve our tension (unless if the cause of the tension surpassed a certain point) was to hug the crap out of you. It worked in the beginning and it always works with me. So what is it that happened? Do you not feel the same way as you once did? Did you lie to me and even to yourself? Did times change you? Are you growing tired of me? Did you once wish that but fell short with the actual satisfaction when you had it in front of you? Are you regretting the grass you once longed for on the other side? You know I'm not one to think highly of myself, and I will be the last person in the world to admit that I am wonderful, and I still won't accept it. But what I do know is that I deserve much better. The irony however is that it's not someone else who I deserve. It is you. You are all I need when it comes to a girlfriend and a companion. You have made me very happy for a majority of our time together. You have pushed me to grow. Most importantly, you were a vessel that God used to get me to know him. You truly are amazing Bettie but you let your faults dominate and get the best of you. If we end up not sharing life, it was not that you weren't good enough, it was because you didn't know how to keep me. As for me, I will never in my life be perfect, but I have tried very very hard to make you happy. Even when you're mad I have tried my best to ease the anger. Unfortunately, a two man fighter jet team won't accomplish a mission if only one is trying to work to get the task done. The pilot and the navigator both need each other. I know that I know that I know that I am not as awful as you sometimes paint me to be. I also know that I will make someone very happy one day. Will you learn to keep me and will you be that someone? By the time you read this, it might have already been to late.

As I said before, I will pray for answers. I will not rely on third party comments unless I know that they are coming from God. I will do my part because I love you. I do not want to be the foolish person I was by breaking up and re conciliating every other day. I know that a couple of days ago, I asked us to be official. I do not regret that for a second. In fact if it wasn't for that, these forty days might not have worked as intended. If we are meant to stay together, petty arguments will be solved on the spot. As for larger ones, i will do my best to help the situation and I hope you will do the same. If I hold my end but we still don't see an improvement, I will walk away knowing that I tried my best. It's better that you know not about these forty days so that your character stays natural. If I was to tell you, the chances we will both try our hardest for the forty days are very high, but who's to say that our time of peace will last passing the forty-first day? Then we will spiral down to the same problems that we were once in.

Just as you have flaws, you have a lot of really good virtues. I like that we share so much in common. We can listen to most of anything without resentment. Standing on top of lone mountain will be one of my strongest memories of us. How we can stay home and watch movies all day. The way that we both will accept a trip to who knows where at almost any time of the day. The dancing. Nature's photographs. I like the random conversations we have. How my corny jokes bring a smile to your face most times. That you're as crazy as I am and you will take very long and unbelievably uncomfortable rides with me to wherever the road takes us. How you scrunch up your nose when you laugh. I like it that you like to serve so long as it goes not unappreciated. I too love serving you. My ultimate satisfaction is to catch you smiling and knowing that you are happy. As I'm sure you've found out, I will go great lengths to witness such moments. Like the time I had you laughing outside of In N Out with my horrible accent impressions. I like it when you're happy but it crushes my world when you're not. Maybe it was foolish the day I told you that I could become your fairy tale. Well condemn me as a fool and throw away the key because I still believe it my dear. All it takes is for God to allow it, and for two people to want it. That's it! A perfectly imperfect and realistic fairy tale.

So as for now, by the time you read this, I hope to God that we both convinced me to stay, and for our hearts to have truly changed. If not, then it is best that I step away from your life forever. My decision will be final and I will walk away with a wounded heart. I want to thank you for all of the wonderful times we had, and for everything that you taught me. Forty days from tomorrow will be July 12th 2009, a Sunday. I do not know how I will let you know about all of this but I will pray to God that he shows me the best way. I am not looking for a perfect relationship, all I ask for is a healthy one mi amor. No matter what happens... I love you.


- Con todo mi amor y corazon


Francisco M.M. Loyda Rojas

Edited and typed Monday June 8th, 2009

I know we didn't go through the forty days as I wanted but, I know what I did crossed the line. You are absolutely right in asking what will happen next time. I didn't mean to hurt you. That's why I hugged and squeezed not wanting to let anything else happen. However these outbreaks should not happen and I don't want to one day hurt you. You said that next time something like that happened, you weren't going to stay and that's fine. I'm a danger to those around me being like this. I'm sorry that this is our ending, and I'm sorry I ended up becoming another guy to break your heart. I'll return your belongings in these next days, and I will leave the key to your car with you. I hope you keep the helmet and you use it until you buy your own. So that we do not continue talking and we don't allow what happened today another chance, I will stay far away from you. If you call I won't answer. If it's urgent then leave me a message. I hope you find the right guy for you mi amor, and that when he comes into your life you know how to treat him. You are amazing.

Have a wonderful life.