The confession

February 23rd, 2009

Edited and typed Tuesday June 16th, 2009

This is my confession. My prequel. It will be written in pen because I will make mistakes and those mistakes are worth recording. I will begin to read a book titled: The purpose driven life by Rick Warren. Every day for forty days I will read one chapter. I will read it in the morning, and think about the topic through the day. At the end of that day I will jot down my experiences, my thoughts, and the way I reflected for that day.

This book was recommended, and lent to me by Beatriz Vences. Bettie is amazing. The night I met her, I somehow felt as though she was different. We met in the dance floor. I am typically very shy at times when it comes to meeting new girls, but with no fear whatsoever, I approached her and asked her to dance. We danced the night off like two water fountains dancing ever so comfortable with no real purpose except that which their creator had set upon them. We had breakfast and surprisingly got to know each other ver fast, very well. Since the first day, she told me that she is a Chistian. She also spoke about a little book called: As a man thinketh by James Allen. I already read this book by now and I have to say that it was intriguing. Anywho, Bettie and I hastely fell in love with one another, and sadly with lust too. Though now we realize it was wrong, nothing felt more correct in the moment. We blindly yet very passionately allowed ourselves to be swallowed by sin, that later engulfed us in the dispair we hold today. We would spend as much time as possible with not a dull moment. We were two birds that sung, danced, and loved one another with all of our hearts. We were two palm trees wrapped together forever to be. Two hopeless romantics either destined with a life together, or to encounter the deepest broken heart known to lovers; hearts not mendable but only through God and time. As I later understood, our sins were the protagonists to our potential demise. Though mistakes were commited, we still hold a thread of hope to our happiness. As of January 8th 2009, we both agreed on a five month break allowing us to grow in God's graces. We would dedicate our time and our minds to God, and to build up our spirit. It has been forty six days since and yes, very difficult. A task that must be overcome in entirety and with patience.

Growing up, I was baptized as a Catholic. My sister and I never went through our first communion. I suppose you could say I grew up dead to a church. My mother sometimes attends but my father holds different views towards the Catholic church. Therefore it came to no surprise that my sister and I didn't grow to hunger for the word the lord had created. My concept towards God was that he did exist. However religion did not convice me. There came a point in time whe I actually conviced myself that God couldn't possibly exist. This 'argument' was formulated by myself shortly after attending philosophy in college. This alleged argument stated that there can only be destiny or free will. They cannot co-exist. One cannot have water and fire alone co-existing in a single container with no help in keeping them seperated, thus one had to be false. If there was to be 'such a thing' as destiny then it meant that God knew one's actions, and one's life before they themselves had a chance to understand it. However, that would rule out free will because one's life would be dictated only by their final outcome. On the other hand, if free will was to be true, then that would mean that one's life is an open book and that looking into the future was impossible for anyone. According to my statement, if free will was a truth then God would know not my future. That being so then how could God be God and not possess that atribute. So I came to the conclusion that truth was either one or the other. In all honesty I myself prefered to believe that I am responsible for my own actions because destiny would free me from personal responsibility. Thus according to the alleged 'undefeatable' statement, God couldn't possibly exist because I prefered to believe in free will. Then... I became like a deer frozen solid i the middle of the road. I was staring straight into the lights of God's vehicle. It was then when it all became so unimaginably clear. Truth was brought into light, and allowed me to face my wrong interpretations of life. The message God whispered was something like this: Life is a highway... you can have a destination. As a matter of fact, you always have a destination whether you think of one or not. If you get into a car and drive somewhere, you are gonna get somewhere. The road you take however is for the most part up to you. You can decide on so many streets, alleys, freeways, long and short cuts, you name it. Your destination will still be there no matter the choices that is of-course if you even make it. God knows your destination and he knows the best way, but if you're not careful, your driving might end you up at a dead end, a destroyed road path, or worse over a cliff. Therefore, destination and free will could exist. God had allowed fire and water in the same container. As I shared this revelation with my good friend Danira, I was shaking with excitement because I had been touched by God. I couldn't believe that even though I had chosen to not believe in God, he still believed in me. As I wrote this just now, I did my best in translating what God made me see yet again.

* Under construction, will be back to finish the blog later