February 23rd, 2009
Edited and typed Tuesday June 16th, 2009
This is my confession. My prequel. It will be written in pen because I will make mistakes and those mistakes are worth recording. I will begin to read a book titled: The purpose driven life by Rick Warren. Every day for forty days I will read one chapter. I will read it in the morning, and think about the topic through the day. At the end of that day I will jot down my experiences, my thoughts, and the way I reflected for that day.
This book was recommended, and lent to me by Beatriz Vences. Bettie is amazing. The night I met her, I somehow felt as though she was different. We met in the dance floor. I am typically very shy at times when it comes to meeting new girls, but with no fear whatsoever, I approached her and asked her to dance. We danced the night off like two water fountains dancing ever so comfortable with no real purpose except that which their creator had set upon them. We had breakfast and surprisingly got to know each other ver fast, very well. Since the first day, she told me that she is a Chistian. She also spoke about a little book called: As a man thinketh by James Allen. I already read this book by now and I have to say that it was intriguing. Anywho, Bettie and I hastely fell in love with one another, and sadly with lust too. Though now we realize it was wrong, nothing felt more correct in the moment. We blindly yet very passionately allowed ourselves to be swallowed by sin, that later engulfed us in the dispair we hold today. We would spend as much time as possible with not a dull moment. We were two birds that sung, danced, and loved one another with all of our hearts. We were two palm trees wrapped together forever to be. Two hopeless romantics either destined with a life together, or to encounter the deepest broken heart known to lovers; hearts not mendable but only through God and time. As I later understood, our sins were the protagonists to our potential demise. Though mistakes were commited, we still hold a thread of hope to our happiness. As of January 8th 2009, we both agreed on a five month break allowing us to grow in God's graces. We would dedicate our time and our minds to God, and to build up our spirit. It has been forty six days since and yes, very difficult. A task that must be overcome in entirety and with patience.
Growing up, I was baptized as a Catholic. My sister and I never went through our first communion. I suppose you could say I grew up dead to a church. My mother sometimes attends but my father holds different views towards the Catholic church. Therefore it came to no surprise that my sister and I didn't grow to hunger for the word the lord had created. My concept towards God was that he did exist. However religion did not convice me. There came a point in time whe I actually conviced myself that God couldn't possibly exist. This 'argument' was formulated by myself shortly after attending philosophy in college. This alleged argument stated that there can only be destiny or free will. They cannot co-exist. One cannot have water and fire alone co-existing in a single container with no help in keeping them seperated, thus one had to be false. If there was to be 'such a thing' as destiny then it meant that God knew one's actions, and one's life before they themselves had a chance to understand it. However, that would rule out free will because one's life would be dictated only by their final outcome. On the other hand, if free will was to be true, then that would mean that one's life is an open book and that looking into the future was impossible for anyone. According to my statement, if free will was a truth then God would know not my future. That being so then how could God be God and not possess that atribute. So I came to the conclusion that truth was either one or the other. In all honesty I myself prefered to believe that I am responsible for my own actions because destiny would free me from personal responsibility. Thus according to the alleged 'undefeatable' statement, God couldn't possibly exist because I prefered to believe in free will. Then... I became like a deer frozen solid i the middle of the road. I was staring straight into the lights of God's vehicle. It was then when it all became so unimaginably clear. Truth was brought into light, and allowed me to face my wrong interpretations of life. The message God whispered was something like this: Life is a highway... you can have a destination. As a matter of fact, you always have a destination whether you think of one or not. If you get into a car and drive somewhere, you are gonna get somewhere. The road you take however is for the most part up to you. You can decide on so many streets, alleys, freeways, long and short cuts, you name it. Your destination will still be there no matter the choices that is of-course if you even make it. God knows your destination and he knows the best way, but if you're not careful, your driving might end you up at a dead end, a destroyed road path, or worse over a cliff. Therefore, destination and free will could exist. God had allowed fire and water in the same container. As I shared this revelation with my good friend Danira, I was shaking with excitement because I had been touched by God. I couldn't believe that even though I had chosen to not believe in God, he still believed in me. As I wrote this just now, I did my best in translating what God made me see yet again.
* Under construction, will be back to finish the blog later
In a nutshell...
- Cisco
- Las Vegas, Nevada, United States
- One of a kind, and just like the rest of them.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Not meant to be by Theory of a dead man
It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn away one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That there's no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn away one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
There's still time to turn this around
You with me building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn away one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn away one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That there's no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn away one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
There's still time to turn this around
You with me building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn away one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
My Girl
To see my love
sitting next to me
so close, not wrong
we were born to be.
After school, during school
the passion's tremendous
we're pros, yes not fools
whew, she is stupendous.
This girl I adore
when I hold her closely
the sound like a roar
from my heart just hear me.
The scent yet so sweet
her skin and a her hair
sweeps me off from my feet
feels like I'm carried by air.
I'm truly captivated
as how her skin is so tender
this poem's been created
and to her this I render.
sitting next to me
so close, not wrong
we were born to be.
After school, during school
the passion's tremendous
we're pros, yes not fools
whew, she is stupendous.
This girl I adore
when I hold her closely
the sound like a roar
from my heart just hear me.
The scent yet so sweet
her skin and a her hair
sweeps me off from my feet
feels like I'm carried by air.
I'm truly captivated
as how her skin is so tender
this poem's been created
and to her this I render.
Francisco M. Loyda
2005
-- This was the second poem I ever wrote. As noted by some of the primitive verses, I felt a type of puppy love, as all teens confuse for true love. The poem was written and dedicated to Adrianna Arce, a high school ex-girlfriend and a very good friend to this day. I believe I wrote this in a school bus as I distinctly picture the north west corner of the old high school campus as we were driving by. Not to much of a surprise, I once entered this poem in an online website but received bad reviews. I only had the trial version of the website so consequently, I could only view about ten words per comment. The comment that I got went something like this : I normally like love poems, however I did not like this one... I never went back into the website lol. Nevertheless, I wasn't discouraged and so I kept writing.
2005
-- This was the second poem I ever wrote. As noted by some of the primitive verses, I felt a type of puppy love, as all teens confuse for true love. The poem was written and dedicated to Adrianna Arce, a high school ex-girlfriend and a very good friend to this day. I believe I wrote this in a school bus as I distinctly picture the north west corner of the old high school campus as we were driving by. Not to much of a surprise, I once entered this poem in an online website but received bad reviews. I only had the trial version of the website so consequently, I could only view about ten words per comment. The comment that I got went something like this : I normally like love poems, however I did not like this one... I never went back into the website lol. Nevertheless, I wasn't discouraged and so I kept writing.
In the aftermath...
" my neck feels like its getting worse. it hurts even when im just sitting down looking straight. :("
-- I know I know, I am so sorry, you have absolutely no idea. I regret that which I did.
" i know you feel bad about it as is but how could you be so careless&reckless with me? I'm so friggin mad at you."
-- I don't see why you wouldn't. My job as a man, as a companion and a friend is to protect you. Not hurt you GGRRRRRR.... Never in my life did I see myself stooping down that low.
" what was the point of your letter? this isn't my fault and nothing i can or could do is going to fix it."
-- The point and purpose of the letter was not fulfilled. It was for God to guide us through those forty days. At the end of that time, we would have ideally worked most of our problems and we could have continued on with our lives. What hurts me the most was that upon the first day, I had already seen a change, thanks to God. You had gotten upset but quickly did what you could to resolve it. It was then that I knew God was helping us. Though not perfect, for six days we were on good tracks until the seventh. It was my idiocy that destroyed our hope and for that I can't ask for forgiveness enough. The reason I was mad in the first place was that I got really jealous that you and Joe were talking a lot. The part that infuriated me the most was when the both of you left to take out the trash alone. I told you what I think of him. I also let you know that it bothered me when you both talked a long time ago. I don't trust him around any of my lady friends at all. He is a type of guy that knows very well how to manipulate situations and people. That's why it bothered me every time he was being extremely nice to you. Why he would offer you drinks at all times and why at other times, he tried to make me look like the jerk. That is also why before we left the house, I shook my head at him when he told you that you could go visit even if I didn't go. Forgive me but I do not trust him whatsoever with you. Another thing is that since you flirt without trying, you being nice to him gives him the wrong signals. I would've like for you to be cold towards him for those specific reasons. I honestly believe that if he truly wanted, he could set out to steal you from me. I'm not being insecure, I just know the type of person that he is. That is why I was upset, but I knew that given time, I would've gotten over it. No the letter wasn't to point the finger your way. The original letter was so that if the forty days had gone as planned and I had done all possible, then maybe the problem wasn't me. I take responsibility that the forty days weren't finished because of my outbreak. No it wasn't your fault. The only thing that you could have done was to tell me to stay when I asked you. I know what you said that we were going to be through upon my next outburst. For that I needed to know at the moment that you wanted to work things out. But you weren't sure so I walked away. Asking and wanting for someone to stay isn't always begging, it can also show that your pride is set aside and that you truly do want to fight for us. At that point, it was not my call but yours.
"you have no idea how hard it was to fight the urge to ask you to stay. i didn't ask you to leave frank. you insisted on leaving."
-- I did insist on leaving. But the reason was because I had done something terrible and wanted you to want me to stay. Just as when you first went off with Angel and as we were talking you asked me to stay, and I said yes. It's that string of hope that whatever happened can be worked out.
" it is not my place to fight for you. i would fight for us at your side. begging you is no my place. yes, i have a billion flaws."
-- That wouldn't have been begging. I was asking
" im sorry for disrespecting you. its something i have to work on. but it doesn't justify what you did under any circumstance."
-- No it doesn't, you are absolutely right.
" i trust you with my life enough to get on that bike. i used to think i was safe with you but im only safe when you're not mad."
-- Actually, the whole way to your house, I drove very carefully and I was calm. The reason why I accelerated in the beginning was because you were refusing to hold me the right way. You know that I do not like the way you barely hold my shirt when you are mad. You weren't holding on the right way when I asked you and so I did what I did. I didn't intend to hurt your neck. And yes you're right, nothing justifies my actions. Forgive me please.
" i melted when you grabbed me and that quickly turned into fear. that wasn't a hug frank i was so scared i walked away speechless."
-- I scared myself as well, I can't believe that it happened.
" it hurts me when you can't control your anger. when you scream. punch things, throw things. it hurts me."
-- It's a problem I know
" ur sorry but that's not going to fix it you really should get help because the way you express your anger is not normal or healthy"
" it makes me angry that i can't just not think about it because i have the pain in my neck to remind me what happened yesterday"
" part of me just wants to forget about it and pretend nothing happened because i want you in my life but this isn't something small"
-- Believe me, I wanted to tell you to forget about the whole thing as well, but I know that it isn't small.
" it hurts that it ended over something that wasn't my fault. because if it were i could fix it."
" its hard to keep myself from taking more that my share of the blame because then we could fix things but i can't do that again"
" i have to keep telling myself its not my fault. its not me."
-- No it wasn't
" i know you want to stay away from me thats fine. it sucks but its fine. but i will be here when you need someone for anything"
-- Thank you, I want to say the same but I know not if it's best
" im sure jose's door is open if you want help. you have the resources to grow/mature you just have to want it enough."
" thank you for everything youve done for me. thank you for taking my crap and for making me smile i am going to miss you like crazy"
-- And I you
" adios francisco. cuidate. te amo."
-- Tambien te amo
-- I know I know, I am so sorry, you have absolutely no idea. I regret that which I did.
" i know you feel bad about it as is but how could you be so careless&reckless with me? I'm so friggin mad at you."
-- I don't see why you wouldn't. My job as a man, as a companion and a friend is to protect you. Not hurt you GGRRRRRR.... Never in my life did I see myself stooping down that low.
" what was the point of your letter? this isn't my fault and nothing i can or could do is going to fix it."
-- The point and purpose of the letter was not fulfilled. It was for God to guide us through those forty days. At the end of that time, we would have ideally worked most of our problems and we could have continued on with our lives. What hurts me the most was that upon the first day, I had already seen a change, thanks to God. You had gotten upset but quickly did what you could to resolve it. It was then that I knew God was helping us. Though not perfect, for six days we were on good tracks until the seventh. It was my idiocy that destroyed our hope and for that I can't ask for forgiveness enough. The reason I was mad in the first place was that I got really jealous that you and Joe were talking a lot. The part that infuriated me the most was when the both of you left to take out the trash alone. I told you what I think of him. I also let you know that it bothered me when you both talked a long time ago. I don't trust him around any of my lady friends at all. He is a type of guy that knows very well how to manipulate situations and people. That's why it bothered me every time he was being extremely nice to you. Why he would offer you drinks at all times and why at other times, he tried to make me look like the jerk. That is also why before we left the house, I shook my head at him when he told you that you could go visit even if I didn't go. Forgive me but I do not trust him whatsoever with you. Another thing is that since you flirt without trying, you being nice to him gives him the wrong signals. I would've like for you to be cold towards him for those specific reasons. I honestly believe that if he truly wanted, he could set out to steal you from me. I'm not being insecure, I just know the type of person that he is. That is why I was upset, but I knew that given time, I would've gotten over it. No the letter wasn't to point the finger your way. The original letter was so that if the forty days had gone as planned and I had done all possible, then maybe the problem wasn't me. I take responsibility that the forty days weren't finished because of my outbreak. No it wasn't your fault. The only thing that you could have done was to tell me to stay when I asked you. I know what you said that we were going to be through upon my next outburst. For that I needed to know at the moment that you wanted to work things out. But you weren't sure so I walked away. Asking and wanting for someone to stay isn't always begging, it can also show that your pride is set aside and that you truly do want to fight for us. At that point, it was not my call but yours.
"you have no idea how hard it was to fight the urge to ask you to stay. i didn't ask you to leave frank. you insisted on leaving."
-- I did insist on leaving. But the reason was because I had done something terrible and wanted you to want me to stay. Just as when you first went off with Angel and as we were talking you asked me to stay, and I said yes. It's that string of hope that whatever happened can be worked out.
" it is not my place to fight for you. i would fight for us at your side. begging you is no my place. yes, i have a billion flaws."
-- That wouldn't have been begging. I was asking
" im sorry for disrespecting you. its something i have to work on. but it doesn't justify what you did under any circumstance."
-- No it doesn't, you are absolutely right.
" i trust you with my life enough to get on that bike. i used to think i was safe with you but im only safe when you're not mad."
-- Actually, the whole way to your house, I drove very carefully and I was calm. The reason why I accelerated in the beginning was because you were refusing to hold me the right way. You know that I do not like the way you barely hold my shirt when you are mad. You weren't holding on the right way when I asked you and so I did what I did. I didn't intend to hurt your neck. And yes you're right, nothing justifies my actions. Forgive me please.
" i melted when you grabbed me and that quickly turned into fear. that wasn't a hug frank i was so scared i walked away speechless."
-- I scared myself as well, I can't believe that it happened.
" it hurts me when you can't control your anger. when you scream. punch things, throw things. it hurts me."
-- It's a problem I know
" ur sorry but that's not going to fix it you really should get help because the way you express your anger is not normal or healthy"
" it makes me angry that i can't just not think about it because i have the pain in my neck to remind me what happened yesterday"
" part of me just wants to forget about it and pretend nothing happened because i want you in my life but this isn't something small"
-- Believe me, I wanted to tell you to forget about the whole thing as well, but I know that it isn't small.
" it hurts that it ended over something that wasn't my fault. because if it were i could fix it."
" its hard to keep myself from taking more that my share of the blame because then we could fix things but i can't do that again"
" i have to keep telling myself its not my fault. its not me."
-- No it wasn't
" i know you want to stay away from me thats fine. it sucks but its fine. but i will be here when you need someone for anything"
-- Thank you, I want to say the same but I know not if it's best
" im sure jose's door is open if you want help. you have the resources to grow/mature you just have to want it enough."
" thank you for everything youve done for me. thank you for taking my crap and for making me smile i am going to miss you like crazy"
-- And I you
" adios francisco. cuidate. te amo."
-- Tambien te amo
A test for the heart
June 2nd, 2009
Beatriz Arlen Vences Olivares. By the time you hold this letter in your own hands, I will have made my decision. As you know, our relationship has been vey very rocky. Both my uncontrollable tongue and your temper have hindered our peace immensely. You have a problem with the way I at times speak before I think. That... I can accept as my problem, and my sister has also agreed with what you said on that behalf, but a wicked temper helps in no way whatsoever. I apologize if this letter enfuriates and/or offends you but it is best that you know the truth. I will hope this letter does the contrary in that it will let you realize that I indeed am doing this because I love you.
There comes a time in a relationship when both people must decide whether what they have is healthy. They should also respect and hold true to what they portray. If two people act in accordance to God, though not every step will shine and shimmer, it will become what is best. If we come across a fork in the road, will we take the easiest route with desires and momentary satisfactions hanging off of every tree branch? Or will we follow that which we both know will give us the best gift, the ultimate love story at the end of it? Are we willing to wait for that second marshmallow? Our relationship has not been the most wholesome. I admit that I have not tried my best at steering us through the right river, but I'm becoming a man. No longer am I gonna be 'the nice guy.' By growing up, I will know where, what, and how to deal with many situations.
Starting tomorrow June 3rd, 2009 I will put us through the ultimate test. For forty days I will do the most I possibly can to become the man that I should be. I will think before I speak. I will bite my tongue when that which desires to roll off of it has no relevance and will not help the situation. However, I will speak with honesty. I will not hold back in fear that what I say offends you for truth is more important than emotion. I'm not going to be the unbelievably nicest guy in the world anymore, for that is not truly being a man. A nice guy is taken advantage of, a man is respected. I will be assertive. I will still do random acts of kindness though because a good man is still a gentleman. Over time, that which is yours I'll return, and that which is mine I will take back. Whether you believe it or not, as I'm writing you this letter, we are arguing via text messages. For that I know that this must be done. For these forty days, I will not touch you in any way inappropriately. I will not tempt you and if you tempt me, I will turn away. I will remind you that it is not our place to do what we do. I will pray every day asking God to guide us both. For if it is his will for us to stay together, he will change us for the better. If not then he will allow us to grow when the time is correct... in our own terms. As for you, though I hate expectations, I do hope and expect that your temper will dimish. Arguing all the time and knowing that something always bothers you is hurting me greatly in spirit. No matter how great a pillar might be, it will fall given enough damage. Many times we have argued in utter stupidity, and we have allowed them to outrageous and unnecessary heights.
Now, I have always been a fan of trust. It is easy for me to trust new people. If that makes me naive then naive I will be. And a relationship without it is like a sailboat with no sail, drifting ever so violently into a hurricane. Both you and I know that I do not fully trust you. I hope these forty days will serve as a foundation in my trust for you. If we do not overcome this, then it will be used as a sure sign that we do not belong together.
I honestly do not understand you Beatriz. We had spoken and agreed that a good way to relieve our tension (unless if the cause of the tension surpassed a certain point) was to hug the crap out of you. It worked in the beginning and it always works with me. So what is it that happened? Do you not feel the same way as you once did? Did you lie to me and even to yourself? Did times change you? Are you growing tired of me? Did you once wish that but fell short with the actual satisfaction when you had it in front of you? Are you regretting the grass you once longed for on the other side? You know I'm not one to think highly of myself, and I will be the last person in the world to admit that I am wonderful, and I still won't accept it. But what I do know is that I deserve much better. The irony however is that it's not someone else who I deserve. It is you. You are all I need when it comes to a girlfriend and a companion. You have made me very happy for a majority of our time together. You have pushed me to grow. Most importantly, you were a vessel that God used to get me to know him. You truly are amazing Bettie but you let your faults dominate and get the best of you. If we end up not sharing life, it was not that you weren't good enough, it was because you didn't know how to keep me. As for me, I will never in my life be perfect, but I have tried very very hard to make you happy. Even when you're mad I have tried my best to ease the anger. Unfortunately, a two man fighter jet team won't accomplish a mission if only one is trying to work to get the task done. The pilot and the navigator both need each other. I know that I know that I know that I am not as awful as you sometimes paint me to be. I also know that I will make someone very happy one day. Will you learn to keep me and will you be that someone? By the time you read this, it might have already been to late.
As I said before, I will pray for answers. I will not rely on third party comments unless I know that they are coming from God. I will do my part because I love you. I do not want to be the foolish person I was by breaking up and re conciliating every other day. I know that a couple of days ago, I asked us to be official. I do not regret that for a second. In fact if it wasn't for that, these forty days might not have worked as intended. If we are meant to stay together, petty arguments will be solved on the spot. As for larger ones, i will do my best to help the situation and I hope you will do the same. If I hold my end but we still don't see an improvement, I will walk away knowing that I tried my best. It's better that you know not about these forty days so that your character stays natural. If I was to tell you, the chances we will both try our hardest for the forty days are very high, but who's to say that our time of peace will last passing the forty-first day? Then we will spiral down to the same problems that we were once in.
Just as you have flaws, you have a lot of really good virtues. I like that we share so much in common. We can listen to most of anything without resentment. Standing on top of lone mountain will be one of my strongest memories of us. How we can stay home and watch movies all day. The way that we both will accept a trip to who knows where at almost any time of the day. The dancing. Nature's photographs. I like the random conversations we have. How my corny jokes bring a smile to your face most times. That you're as crazy as I am and you will take very long and unbelievably uncomfortable rides with me to wherever the road takes us. How you scrunch up your nose when you laugh. I like it that you like to serve so long as it goes not unappreciated. I too love serving you. My ultimate satisfaction is to catch you smiling and knowing that you are happy. As I'm sure you've found out, I will go great lengths to witness such moments. Like the time I had you laughing outside of In N Out with my horrible accent impressions. I like it when you're happy but it crushes my world when you're not. Maybe it was foolish the day I told you that I could become your fairy tale. Well condemn me as a fool and throw away the key because I still believe it my dear. All it takes is for God to allow it, and for two people to want it. That's it! A perfectly imperfect and realistic fairy tale.
So as for now, by the time you read this, I hope to God that we both convinced me to stay, and for our hearts to have truly changed. If not, then it is best that I step away from your life forever. My decision will be final and I will walk away with a wounded heart. I want to thank you for all of the wonderful times we had, and for everything that you taught me. Forty days from tomorrow will be July 12th 2009, a Sunday. I do not know how I will let you know about all of this but I will pray to God that he shows me the best way. I am not looking for a perfect relationship, all I ask for is a healthy one mi amor. No matter what happens... I love you.
- Con todo mi amor y corazon
Francisco M.M. Loyda Rojas
Edited and typed Monday June 8th, 2009
I know we didn't go through the forty days as I wanted but, I know what I did crossed the line. You are absolutely right in asking what will happen next time. I didn't mean to hurt you. That's why I hugged and squeezed not wanting to let anything else happen. However these outbreaks should not happen and I don't want to one day hurt you. You said that next time something like that happened, you weren't going to stay and that's fine. I'm a danger to those around me being like this. I'm sorry that this is our ending, and I'm sorry I ended up becoming another guy to break your heart. I'll return your belongings in these next days, and I will leave the key to your car with you. I hope you keep the helmet and you use it until you buy your own. So that we do not continue talking and we don't allow what happened today another chance, I will stay far away from you. If you call I won't answer. If it's urgent then leave me a message. I hope you find the right guy for you mi amor, and that when he comes into your life you know how to treat him. You are amazing.
Have a wonderful life.
Beatriz Arlen Vences Olivares. By the time you hold this letter in your own hands, I will have made my decision. As you know, our relationship has been vey very rocky. Both my uncontrollable tongue and your temper have hindered our peace immensely. You have a problem with the way I at times speak before I think. That... I can accept as my problem, and my sister has also agreed with what you said on that behalf, but a wicked temper helps in no way whatsoever. I apologize if this letter enfuriates and/or offends you but it is best that you know the truth. I will hope this letter does the contrary in that it will let you realize that I indeed am doing this because I love you.
There comes a time in a relationship when both people must decide whether what they have is healthy. They should also respect and hold true to what they portray. If two people act in accordance to God, though not every step will shine and shimmer, it will become what is best. If we come across a fork in the road, will we take the easiest route with desires and momentary satisfactions hanging off of every tree branch? Or will we follow that which we both know will give us the best gift, the ultimate love story at the end of it? Are we willing to wait for that second marshmallow? Our relationship has not been the most wholesome. I admit that I have not tried my best at steering us through the right river, but I'm becoming a man. No longer am I gonna be 'the nice guy.' By growing up, I will know where, what, and how to deal with many situations.
Starting tomorrow June 3rd, 2009 I will put us through the ultimate test. For forty days I will do the most I possibly can to become the man that I should be. I will think before I speak. I will bite my tongue when that which desires to roll off of it has no relevance and will not help the situation. However, I will speak with honesty. I will not hold back in fear that what I say offends you for truth is more important than emotion. I'm not going to be the unbelievably nicest guy in the world anymore, for that is not truly being a man. A nice guy is taken advantage of, a man is respected. I will be assertive. I will still do random acts of kindness though because a good man is still a gentleman. Over time, that which is yours I'll return, and that which is mine I will take back. Whether you believe it or not, as I'm writing you this letter, we are arguing via text messages. For that I know that this must be done. For these forty days, I will not touch you in any way inappropriately. I will not tempt you and if you tempt me, I will turn away. I will remind you that it is not our place to do what we do. I will pray every day asking God to guide us both. For if it is his will for us to stay together, he will change us for the better. If not then he will allow us to grow when the time is correct... in our own terms. As for you, though I hate expectations, I do hope and expect that your temper will dimish. Arguing all the time and knowing that something always bothers you is hurting me greatly in spirit. No matter how great a pillar might be, it will fall given enough damage. Many times we have argued in utter stupidity, and we have allowed them to outrageous and unnecessary heights.
Now, I have always been a fan of trust. It is easy for me to trust new people. If that makes me naive then naive I will be. And a relationship without it is like a sailboat with no sail, drifting ever so violently into a hurricane. Both you and I know that I do not fully trust you. I hope these forty days will serve as a foundation in my trust for you. If we do not overcome this, then it will be used as a sure sign that we do not belong together.
I honestly do not understand you Beatriz. We had spoken and agreed that a good way to relieve our tension (unless if the cause of the tension surpassed a certain point) was to hug the crap out of you. It worked in the beginning and it always works with me. So what is it that happened? Do you not feel the same way as you once did? Did you lie to me and even to yourself? Did times change you? Are you growing tired of me? Did you once wish that but fell short with the actual satisfaction when you had it in front of you? Are you regretting the grass you once longed for on the other side? You know I'm not one to think highly of myself, and I will be the last person in the world to admit that I am wonderful, and I still won't accept it. But what I do know is that I deserve much better. The irony however is that it's not someone else who I deserve. It is you. You are all I need when it comes to a girlfriend and a companion. You have made me very happy for a majority of our time together. You have pushed me to grow. Most importantly, you were a vessel that God used to get me to know him. You truly are amazing Bettie but you let your faults dominate and get the best of you. If we end up not sharing life, it was not that you weren't good enough, it was because you didn't know how to keep me. As for me, I will never in my life be perfect, but I have tried very very hard to make you happy. Even when you're mad I have tried my best to ease the anger. Unfortunately, a two man fighter jet team won't accomplish a mission if only one is trying to work to get the task done. The pilot and the navigator both need each other. I know that I know that I know that I am not as awful as you sometimes paint me to be. I also know that I will make someone very happy one day. Will you learn to keep me and will you be that someone? By the time you read this, it might have already been to late.
As I said before, I will pray for answers. I will not rely on third party comments unless I know that they are coming from God. I will do my part because I love you. I do not want to be the foolish person I was by breaking up and re conciliating every other day. I know that a couple of days ago, I asked us to be official. I do not regret that for a second. In fact if it wasn't for that, these forty days might not have worked as intended. If we are meant to stay together, petty arguments will be solved on the spot. As for larger ones, i will do my best to help the situation and I hope you will do the same. If I hold my end but we still don't see an improvement, I will walk away knowing that I tried my best. It's better that you know not about these forty days so that your character stays natural. If I was to tell you, the chances we will both try our hardest for the forty days are very high, but who's to say that our time of peace will last passing the forty-first day? Then we will spiral down to the same problems that we were once in.
Just as you have flaws, you have a lot of really good virtues. I like that we share so much in common. We can listen to most of anything without resentment. Standing on top of lone mountain will be one of my strongest memories of us. How we can stay home and watch movies all day. The way that we both will accept a trip to who knows where at almost any time of the day. The dancing. Nature's photographs. I like the random conversations we have. How my corny jokes bring a smile to your face most times. That you're as crazy as I am and you will take very long and unbelievably uncomfortable rides with me to wherever the road takes us. How you scrunch up your nose when you laugh. I like it that you like to serve so long as it goes not unappreciated. I too love serving you. My ultimate satisfaction is to catch you smiling and knowing that you are happy. As I'm sure you've found out, I will go great lengths to witness such moments. Like the time I had you laughing outside of In N Out with my horrible accent impressions. I like it when you're happy but it crushes my world when you're not. Maybe it was foolish the day I told you that I could become your fairy tale. Well condemn me as a fool and throw away the key because I still believe it my dear. All it takes is for God to allow it, and for two people to want it. That's it! A perfectly imperfect and realistic fairy tale.
So as for now, by the time you read this, I hope to God that we both convinced me to stay, and for our hearts to have truly changed. If not, then it is best that I step away from your life forever. My decision will be final and I will walk away with a wounded heart. I want to thank you for all of the wonderful times we had, and for everything that you taught me. Forty days from tomorrow will be July 12th 2009, a Sunday. I do not know how I will let you know about all of this but I will pray to God that he shows me the best way. I am not looking for a perfect relationship, all I ask for is a healthy one mi amor. No matter what happens... I love you.
- Con todo mi amor y corazon
Francisco M.M. Loyda Rojas
Edited and typed Monday June 8th, 2009
I know we didn't go through the forty days as I wanted but, I know what I did crossed the line. You are absolutely right in asking what will happen next time. I didn't mean to hurt you. That's why I hugged and squeezed not wanting to let anything else happen. However these outbreaks should not happen and I don't want to one day hurt you. You said that next time something like that happened, you weren't going to stay and that's fine. I'm a danger to those around me being like this. I'm sorry that this is our ending, and I'm sorry I ended up becoming another guy to break your heart. I'll return your belongings in these next days, and I will leave the key to your car with you. I hope you keep the helmet and you use it until you buy your own. So that we do not continue talking and we don't allow what happened today another chance, I will stay far away from you. If you call I won't answer. If it's urgent then leave me a message. I hope you find the right guy for you mi amor, and that when he comes into your life you know how to treat him. You are amazing.
Have a wonderful life.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Letter to Kristah
January 27th, 2009
Krista
Let me begin by saying, thank you so much for receiving me into your church with wide open arms. Thank you for always being so cool, and cheerful. People need those kind of people in life to raise them from whatever fight they are trying to overcome.
The reason why I can't come to your church for a while is, I think you already know, that Bettie and I have taken a decision to give each other time. We decided on five months apart with not the slightest interaction from each other. It's been about two weeks so far and yeah, I miss her like crazy. Although we aren't talking anymore, I let her know that if she were ever to need me, to not hesitate. I have my life and my faith to thank her for.
I know you are not oblivious to all that happened between us. Both of us had our mistakes, and sadly we're are paying the price with our emotions in the form of time spent apart. Since the night when we met, somehow I knew that she was something different you know. I'm normally very shy when it comes to strangers but I was able to approach her like if we were destined to meet. So you can picture it well, I was like a mouse in a maze and she was the cheese; you know its there,apart from smelling the scent but you just know its there. I think that might be a bit confusing to you but it makes perfect sense to me. Any who, I know now that had we followed the lord's word, things might have not turned out as they did, and that's the point of this letter. It was because we drifted from him that we are now learning from our mistakes.
She made a mistake once, and I was able to forgive her. Well the second time that it happened, and if you don't know what I'm talking about feel free to ask, she confessed everything in her car, and for a week I was filled with so much anger that I didn't want to know a thing about her. Then one Saturday night she called, and I ended up going to her house because she wanted to talk about what her and Jose had spoken about. Being around her, I couldn't stay mad. Jose had given her two options: Become faithful to church and God and continue your relationship with Francisco, or Pursue the Lord and with no boys for four of five months. We had kinda tried the first option countless times, but we lacked the self control and discipline to follow through with it. So we both decided that the second option was though very painful, the better one.
I also want to thank your dad, for the first night that I was invited to your house, I had a very long conversation with him about God. Of course, I had a very different view and I was stubborn, but what I didn't tell him was that that night he lit a spark in me. One of the most impacting things he said was that he gets absolutely no income from the church, and his faith in God is immensely strong enough to have him study for hours; only to be able to pass the word unto the younger generations. I was astonished. Thank him for me please.
Then I started coming to your church. I LOVE YOUR CHURCH!!! I love the spirit, the people, the music... I could go on forever. Everybody welcomed me so unbelievably well. I was still a bit doubtful though, but as the time passed I grew to hunger for the word of the Lord. I felt though that if I was to go to your church, Bettie and I were going to feel uncomfortable, especially with the agreement that we had. So I looked else where.
I have had a really good, really close friend now for seven years that invited me to her church about a year ago. I went to one of their services but with my spiritual heart closed at the time, I didn't give God a second chance. Then on January 2nd, I decided to visit that church once again. I didn't want the issues between Bettie and I to keep me from the Lord. Prior to the the service, I went to Barnes and Nobles to purchase my own copy of the bible. Let me tell you that night was amazing. It is no coincidence that I went to that service because it was just what I needed to hear. Then I felt in a way rejuvenated. The church is also amazing, and they welcomed me with about the same spirit that your church did. The church is called Truth Christian Ministries. So far, I've attended almost all of their services. I am doing well now and I am a different person from who I was the night I was a guest to your house.
This isn't in anyway a farewell letter. I'll come back from time to time to visit. Definitely in five months, I'll be back. In the mean time, you know where to find me. If you or anybody from church ever need anything, I'll be here for you. I hope you will understand of why I can't go back just yet. And yes.... I miss each and everyone of you guys. Please say hi to your mom, your dad, your brothers, all the kids, and... everyone.
The Church of God Seventh Day have now a friend for life.
Thanks
Francisco
Krista
Let me begin by saying, thank you so much for receiving me into your church with wide open arms. Thank you for always being so cool, and cheerful. People need those kind of people in life to raise them from whatever fight they are trying to overcome.
The reason why I can't come to your church for a while is, I think you already know, that Bettie and I have taken a decision to give each other time. We decided on five months apart with not the slightest interaction from each other. It's been about two weeks so far and yeah, I miss her like crazy. Although we aren't talking anymore, I let her know that if she were ever to need me, to not hesitate. I have my life and my faith to thank her for.
I know you are not oblivious to all that happened between us. Both of us had our mistakes, and sadly we're are paying the price with our emotions in the form of time spent apart. Since the night when we met, somehow I knew that she was something different you know. I'm normally very shy when it comes to strangers but I was able to approach her like if we were destined to meet. So you can picture it well, I was like a mouse in a maze and she was the cheese; you know its there,apart from smelling the scent but you just know its there. I think that might be a bit confusing to you but it makes perfect sense to me. Any who, I know now that had we followed the lord's word, things might have not turned out as they did, and that's the point of this letter. It was because we drifted from him that we are now learning from our mistakes.
She made a mistake once, and I was able to forgive her. Well the second time that it happened, and if you don't know what I'm talking about feel free to ask, she confessed everything in her car, and for a week I was filled with so much anger that I didn't want to know a thing about her. Then one Saturday night she called, and I ended up going to her house because she wanted to talk about what her and Jose had spoken about. Being around her, I couldn't stay mad. Jose had given her two options: Become faithful to church and God and continue your relationship with Francisco, or Pursue the Lord and with no boys for four of five months. We had kinda tried the first option countless times, but we lacked the self control and discipline to follow through with it. So we both decided that the second option was though very painful, the better one.
I also want to thank your dad, for the first night that I was invited to your house, I had a very long conversation with him about God. Of course, I had a very different view and I was stubborn, but what I didn't tell him was that that night he lit a spark in me. One of the most impacting things he said was that he gets absolutely no income from the church, and his faith in God is immensely strong enough to have him study for hours; only to be able to pass the word unto the younger generations. I was astonished. Thank him for me please.
Then I started coming to your church. I LOVE YOUR CHURCH!!! I love the spirit, the people, the music... I could go on forever. Everybody welcomed me so unbelievably well. I was still a bit doubtful though, but as the time passed I grew to hunger for the word of the Lord. I felt though that if I was to go to your church, Bettie and I were going to feel uncomfortable, especially with the agreement that we had. So I looked else where.
I have had a really good, really close friend now for seven years that invited me to her church about a year ago. I went to one of their services but with my spiritual heart closed at the time, I didn't give God a second chance. Then on January 2nd, I decided to visit that church once again. I didn't want the issues between Bettie and I to keep me from the Lord. Prior to the the service, I went to Barnes and Nobles to purchase my own copy of the bible. Let me tell you that night was amazing. It is no coincidence that I went to that service because it was just what I needed to hear. Then I felt in a way rejuvenated. The church is also amazing, and they welcomed me with about the same spirit that your church did. The church is called Truth Christian Ministries. So far, I've attended almost all of their services. I am doing well now and I am a different person from who I was the night I was a guest to your house.
This isn't in anyway a farewell letter. I'll come back from time to time to visit. Definitely in five months, I'll be back. In the mean time, you know where to find me. If you or anybody from church ever need anything, I'll be here for you. I hope you will understand of why I can't go back just yet. And yes.... I miss each and everyone of you guys. Please say hi to your mom, your dad, your brothers, all the kids, and... everyone.
The Church of God Seventh Day have now a friend for life.
Thanks
Francisco
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